THE GREAT DIVIDE…. And, trust me, there is absolutely NOTHING great about it…
I am a Numbers person… I often relate numbers to Life. James “Jamie” Francis McHenry IV was on this earth from December 7, 1999 (  such a happy, wonderful, joyful, blissful day
) to …April 3rd, 2013 ( a horrific, sad, life-defining and life-changing day
) … that’s a total of 4, 866.( SO SHORT ) days . I then added 4866 days to the day that Jamie died and that brings us to July 30, 2026. My beloved boy has now been gone…(gulp…) LONGER… THAN … HE … LIVED…( what??? How is that possible???!!!) And let me tell you my non-bereaved friends, that is a difficult pill to swallow and concept to grasp. I have now been on this earth 21,388 days. That means that I only had Jamie in my life 22.75% of the time…WAY TOO SHORT… yes they’re just numbers but they are numbers that represent love… And loss
I have said this before and , yes, I will say it again..this child loss journey 100% sucks… there’s no word that appropriately describes or captures all the emotions and ripple effects that continue to unfold as time moves on with this life sentence of child loss.  For those of “friends” and family members who think I post too much about Jamie and my loss, my New York side would scream “FU!” to your face, while my small southern side would say, “  …well, BLESS YOUR HEART… “…( Which is basically the equivalent of , and possibly even more of an insult than a New York FU )… if you have not lost a child, you have no idea and no right to judge . Jamie‘s room still remains empty, as do his dreams, hopes and aspirations, the milestones continue to be missed and… yes, he is still ( gulp)… DEAD.. and yet, I am still alive , left to carry this EXTREMELY heavy weight of grief forward. I have so many blessings in my life and many happy times … I try not to let the shadow of this grief overcast these times .
In our Warrior Moms group, we talk about the importance of living in the “AND” .., as in grief AND joy… loss AND hope… remembering AND celebrating. I think I do a pretty good job of living in the AND… but as I am living in the AND, celebrating my own life and having a great time, that annoying Friend, Grief, taps me on the shoulder from time to time and says, “hey, this is great, …but Jamie should be here” or , “hey, you’re having a great time, but Jamie never got to do this”. Sometimes when I am living in my own AND, and having a wonderful time, I want to run up to random strangers at concerts or parties and shake them by the shoulders and say, “ . Yes, this is great and life is so grand… But please, let me tell you all about my wonderful boy who lived a magnificent life and loved so well and was loved so much… BUT NOW HE IS GONE AND THIS SUCKS!!!! ”. But .. that kind of behavior is not socially acceptable, and would land me in jail or the nuthouse
This is the constant paradox of living life after losing a child … the need and yearning to live your own life to the fullest in the AND while carrying this enormous anvil of a weight and a gigantic hole in your heart. It is one I hope my other friends and family never experience and also the reason many of you will never understand my constant need to post about Jamie… To which I say, “ well bless your hearts” . These Facebook posts are my therapy. it is not an attention thing and it is not something I do to make people feel sorry for me… It is a love thing that will never go away.
And yes, there goes another post about Jamie… But it is my way of being able to vent and keep Jamie in the now and move on with my day… Peeling back another layer on this never-ending, gigantic onion of grief. Now on with my day in the AND.