If grief had a face, my version would definitely be the face of Rachel Dratch’s Debbie Downer from Saturday Night Live.
I’m sure Rachel Dratch is a lovely person. But since April 3, 2013, I’ve come to associate Rachel’s face as Debbie Downer’s serious, twisted expression and enormous eyes with grief—and with my journey of losing Jamie.
When Jamie first died, Debbie Downer visited me CONSTANTLY. In those early days, she was always nearby, pulling up a chair and tapping me on the shoulder as I tried to move through a world without him. She would remind me:
“You know… I know you’re trying to move forward without Jamie, but …his life is over. There are no more memories to make with him.”
(Womp, womp…..)
And then:
“Jamie isn’t here. He’s dead. That smile on your face is SO fake. How are you going to live without him?”
(Womp, womp…..)
…She drained all the promise and hope from my belief that I might ever feel normal again.
Now, almost 14 years later, Debbie Downer doesn’t visit quite as often as she did in the beginning. But missed milestones, upcoming weddings and my recent 40th high school reunion have brought her back in full form.
It feels like those early days again.
Time hasn’t healed anything. It has simply taught me how to live around the pain. Debbie is still waiting somewhere close in the distance, ready to return whenever a birthday, holiday, milestone or unexpected reminder pops up .
And when she does, she gives me that familiar contorted Debbie Downer face and starts sharing depressing little facts, each one beginning with, “You know…”
“You know, you’ve lived almost 14 years without him.”
(Debbie, I KNOW!)