I came across this quote and it hit hard today… Especially with the looming heaviness that weighs on me as we approach Spring Break and the anniversary of losing Jamie. Spring Break represents a time of rest, a time to get away, fun with friends, beach trips….but for our family it has that negative association with it. I am having a more difficult time anticipating this upcoming Spring Break week because this year represents what I call the “Great Divide”, the split in equal parts between the time that Jamie was here on this earth and the equal time that he has been gone and the most pivotal event in my life….. 13 YEARS… seems like just yesterday but at the same time, yrs ago… I am a numbers person and so I googled in his birthdate and his death date to figure out how many days he was alive … I then added that number to his death date to figure out the exact date of that divide …and the exact date will be sometime this coming up July…
A lot of people think that losing a child is a single event and point in time, an event and loss that you mourn for a while, but then you get over it… you should be able to focus on your other children and be thankful… while it goes without saying that I am so VERY thankful For Emily… that specific, unique and completely separate love i have for Jamie is NOT assignable to any other child and therefore, leaves a giant, gaping hole that cannot be filled. The ripple effects last a lifetime… his room is still empty, the hopes and dreams of the future are still unfilled, and he has missed SO (!!!)… MANY(!!!)… THINGS (!!!)…and will continue to miss all the milestones he was supposed to experience… middle school graduation, high school, proms, dances, college, falling in love, broken hearts, weddings, babies… successes and failures… all of it..and it just makes me so terribly sad that he never got to do any of it… and that we , as parents, and Jamie’s biggest fans, never got to watch, encourage, support, coach, experience, and be proud of and relish in all he was supposed to do. Those unfinished chapters of his life … SUCK BEYOND MEASURE… I say this all the time, but, here I go again… if you know, you know, and, if you don’t, THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS because this club sucks. The one thing I am left with is a choice on how I will react to this loss. Trying to focus on the chapters of Jamie‘s life that were written and not the unfinished ones today, and, as Dr. Seuss said, trying to smile because it happened and not cry because it’s over. SO goddamn easier said than done 